Comments on: What Makes A Relationship Last?

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sun, 17 Jul 2022 15:28:30 +0000

I found this article so real and so very comforting . I tend to go into a romantic fairytale relationship scenario that I had dreamed of when I was young and never quite got. It was like constantly reaching for a ring on the Merry Go Round. To me looking at Jess and Craig, it just looks like such a beautiful couple who have perfection .
The 20 year old me was so naive . I was raised on the goal to marry and have kids like my parents and then friends . That was so eying thinking back. I would probably relate to Jess’s mom pretty well but she seems much more modern than my mom . She raised an amazing daughter.
I fell madly in love with a very handsome guy on a blind date who had such a wonderful and loving family . I could not take my eyes off him in his khaki suit and blue shirt and matching tie. He was tan and had the whitest teeth and green eyes. By the end of that summer, we were engaged and he spent his last College year at Wharton while I was in Nursing School. The problem was that after we married that next June, I realized that I did not even really know him at all . We never talked about values or our dreams and he seemed to always be looking at other young women when I was told I was quite lovely. And , unfortunately they were attracted to him back . A sudden surprise pregnancy after 2 months freaked this immature boy/man out totally and suddenly I realized he wasn’t going to be my forever best friend or even be a good Dad. He remained unfaithful and he was never there for me in the ways that were critical. My point is that my young self didn’t realize that I deserved better, so much better than I ever got. My biggest mistake is staying . He took my confidence and made me feel I was “less than” and I would not make it alone raising two children . He was so wrong . Yes, he left me. Yes, I lost my beautiful farm in Vermont at Auction, but I got so much stronger and wiser . I worked a really good job. I paid my own rent with a little help from my loving parents . My son got a full scholarship to Rutgers and my daughter got the help she needed. I had many good friends . My point of all this is for those of you struggling with huge decisions . My forever person came many years later. He accepted me as is. He dried my tears and always asked how he could make me feel better. He fed my son when he was seriously ill and eventually when I sadly lost him.
Now we are not young any longer. We watch movies . We walk or we bike . We read quietly and we hold hands. We take care of each other when either of us is sick . That’s a lot now because he had dementia. He knows me and he loves me and I just do the things he cannot do with him. I didn’t know myself at 20 . But I do know my worth now very well and so does my sweet husband of 19 years . It’s a solid kind of love now. It’s not the 20 year old dive in crazy attraction , but it’s still there when we reach for eachother’s hands during the night. Remember all that Jess said because it’s true and it’s important. It will take you through life and find the one that you just know will be your forever person . Thank you for reading this my friends.
Lynn

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 20:55:10 +0000

In reply to Carolyn.

I don’t think it’s necessarily damaging. I think it’s pretty normal to vent to your friends about things. I know my friend group does it but I guess maybe it’s the “what” you’re venting about. If it’s cause for concern maybe there’s a reason. Always a good opportunity to speak to a therapist too because your conversations are confidential and you can vent without the need to rehash things you’ve moved on from.

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 20:53:20 +0000

In reply to Laughlin.

Yes! I totally agree Laughlin. And you’re spot on with the communication part. Whenever we’re not in sync it’s because we’re not communicating well. Not always easy but good to know that it’s something we can always work on.

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 20:50:08 +0000

In reply to Ashley.

I agree Ashley! Love hearing from someone who’s been through it and is now rediscovering a new chapter with grown kids. Thanks for sharing Jennifer.

By: Ashley

Ashley — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 19:32:11 +0000

In reply to Jennifer. Oh Jennifer this is so fun! My husband & waited to have kids until a bit later, but still had our first st 27 — we’re hoping to live a fabulous 50s life like you’re describing, and your story just sounds wonderful

By: Mel

Mel — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 16:26:22 +0000

In no particular order: communication, respect, playfulness, sex and friendship. We’ve been together 14 years, married 8, 2 kids and are incredibly happy overall but it was a journey to get here and for us we need those 5 things. We communicate openly and quickly (mad? dont stew just say what’s going on in your head. try to be objective in arguments and trust that they are coming from a good place). Respect, to each other and about each other. Ever notice how some couples ‘pick’ on their spouse around others? dont do that. Play. Laughter and play is incredible. It’s particularly important while fighting. Sex. Why has no one mentioned sex? It’s a pretty big component in relationships and a great contributor do better communication and play….If your sex life sucks and or your partner isn’t contributing let’s bring in our friend communication and work on it. Sex is the sometimes the frosting on the cake, and there are times it is the whole damn cake. Friendship – the good old fashioned this is my pal who I love to hang out with, and go exploring with, and watch netflix and dance in the kitchen and tell stories to.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 15:24:22 +0000

“Dont hold grudges.”
Often I forget the details of a disagreement with my partner. I find family and friends to whom I have vented to will remember the details, sometimes bringing up a disagreement I can barely recall. Sometimes this makes be doubt myself – have I just swept things under the rug.

Can venting to others be more damaging to a relationship? I might vent but don’t always share how things resolve so to them whatever was bothering me still exist so they still worry. Its as if they hold the “grudge” when I’ve moved on.
Does this happen to others?

By: Laughlin

Laughlin — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 12:21:33 +0000

Hi Jess! I agree with all of these and would add mutual respect as well. My husband and I have been together 8.5 years and we are a bit “unorthodox “ as well, we met when I was 21 and he was 39. Like your grandparents, we just knew. I would have been happy not to get married (I never thought I would, let alone at 23) but he’s in the military and it was a necessity and I’m glad we did. We have actually never had a fight and I hope it stays that way! Disagreements of course, but never an actual fight. When people ask we often say every relationship problem can be traced back to lack of or poor communication. We both made a conscious choice to sit down towards the beginning and go over what we value, what we expect, and what we want to learn from and do differently than our past relationships and our parents. Continuing to check in with each other is key.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 21:08:57 +0000

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” If you like the bed made every morning because you like a made bed to come home to or want to have an accomplishment early in the day like me, then do it. I promise you don’t do things just as they wish you did, so stop sweating the small things and start appreciating the things that matter, like showing up and supporting you. Those are bigger than the expectations you have about the little things.

By: Erica

Erica — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 19:01:39 +0000

In reply to Leigh.

Hi Leigh! I have been with my partner for 12+ years. We are not married and have two kids together – almost 6 and 7 year old. There was a point in our relationship when I thought about getting married more often. I think I felt like others would give our relationship more legitimacy if we were married. The past couple of years I’ve rarely given it another thought – our newer friends assume we are married, which is fine. I generally love the life we’ve built together. If people ask why we aren’t married, my response is usually that we don’t have a good reason to get married. We aren’t religious. I was married before and don’t have the need for a traditional wedding. His parents are divorced so I think his view on marriage is somewhat shaped by that fact.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story since it sounds like you might be in a similar situation (unmarried, but considering kids).